Mario's thoughts of the day

Over five years of loving down the drain

2008-05-05T03:34:00.000-07:00

If you asked me about my relationship with my girlfriend, you might have got the impression that it was a spectacular relationship destined to last till death do we part. Truth is, it wasn't as amazing as that. The last time we had seen each other was over a year ago, and until a few days ago, it was the last time we spoke to each other. Over the weekend, we made plans to meet up downtown, but when I arrived, she was nowhere to be seen. Plus, earlier this year, she had visited my house when I wasn't there and announced that she had gotten pregnant and had an abortion in front of my parents and my sisters.
So when I tell you now that I've dumped her and I'm going to find someone else who's a bit more respectable, you can hardly blame me.

What started out as a return to an old hobby has become much more

2008-04-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

I speak of Pokemon. I used to be really into it, then I got out of it for a while, partly because I didn't have a GBA. But I purchased Pokemon Diamond a few weeks ago and I'm back on the scene. I even downloaded Shoddy Battle, which allows me to battle other people on the Internet, and joined a well-known pokemon forum, marriland.com.

Damn, it nearly worked!

2008-04-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Today, me and my mate Spartacus told our other friend that we were in a computer room for Biology. This was, of course, an attempt to play an April Fools joke on him, and it would have worked if we had both gone with him to the computer room! Damn!

Surviving a zombie outbreak isn't too hard actually

2008-03-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: The following information has been retrieved from the Zombie Survival Quiz (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/425802). Disagreements with the quiz will be highlighted.

Let's assume that you first notice a zombie outbreak when you're outside. Firstly, pray that you know where you can find some good weapons, be they guns, swords or whatever. My house is home to 10 swords, so I'll be fine. If you know where you can find weapons, use any means to get a gun (rifles are best) and one damaging tool such as an axe or crowbar. If not, forget about the weapons and just head straight home. In fact, this would be step 2 - home is the safest place for you to be during a zombie outbreak because you know your home like the back of your hand and very few people have access to your home. When going home or searching for weapons, the only modes of transport you should use are either a bicycle or a horse. If you can't ride or get hold of a bicycle or horse, resort to walking.
OK, by now, you should be at home, with or without weapons. It should be noted that kitchen knives would count as weapons, but should be used only when no other weapons are available, and only the ones with a smooth edge. If you were sensible, you would have kept the door locked before you reached home and locked it as soon as you came in. If your house has any back doors, lock these as well but also barricade them. Make sure there's only one unblocked door into your house and make sure someone is guarding that entrance, preferably someone who's good with firearms and can stay awake very easily, but it may have to be you otherwise.
If you are home alone, you won't survive for very long if you're stuck on guard duty - the instant you leave your post, your home is vulnerable to zombies, even if you did lock the door. A group of zombies trying to knock your door down is the equivalent of a rhinoceros, so you can't leave your post. However, starvation and tiredness will kick in and these could lead to your untimely death. What you need to do is attract other survivors, but only a few. Quite how you would do this is uncertain. One method is to open your door wide and attract attention to yourself, but doing so will attract more than survivors, so make sure your trigger finger doesn't have cramp. While on the subject of guns, if you manage to find a rifle, sub-machine gun or even a shotgun, you'll be fine. If, on the other hand, you've got hold of a pistol, curse your foolishness. If you don't have a gun, this strategy will not work.
As survivors enter, ask if they have been bitten by a zombie. If they have, shoot them in the head. In fact, if you see a zombie, shoot them in the head, period. Once you've got a few survivors in your home, check them thoroughly once more for zombie bites - they could have been lying when they told you they were OK. If, after this, you have a small group of survivors, close and lock your front door and barricade it.
If you were unable to attract enough survivors by any means and are still home alone, all you can do is close, lock and barricade all entrances to your house and stay in the kitchen, armed with a couple of smooth-edged knives, survive on what food you have and try to slaughter any zombies that make it into your house. If you do see a zombie in your house, it means that a group of them have managed to pass your barricaded door, in which case you're screwed.
If, on the other hand, you attracted sufficient survivors to defend your home while allowing some to step down from defending, you'll have to consider your next obstacle: starvation. Like in World War II, rationing is essential - eat a little bit when you're hungry.

This will theoretically prevent you from dying in a zombie outbreak, but there's no telling how long it could go on for, so you will have to find ways of entertaining yourselves, but without electricity - electronic entertainment facilities (television, radio, computer, etc.) emit light and/or sound, which will attract more zombies.
Also, eventually, you will become bored and your trigger finger will be itching really bad, so you will decide to leave the safety of your home. Alternatively, you will need to get some more food (tinned is best, by the way), so here's what you will need to do to survive outside and make sure inside is still a sanctuary.
Firstly, tell everyone else in the house to arm themselves with the best weapons they can get (barring your own, which really has to be a gun) and that nobody else is to enter the building. It's worth telling them a password to remember, but make sure you remember it too.
Secondly, check the conditions outside, especially visibility. If it's night-time, foggy, misty, a thunderstorm or even heavy rain, it's probably a bad idea to walk out. While humans are primarily vision-oriented, zombies rely on all five senses equally.
If it's sunny or simply cloudy and daytime, travel on foot at walking speed to your destination, trying as hard as possible to keep your back to the walls. If you see a zombie and it sees you, shoot it while it's far away. You might be more likely to miss, but you'll have more chances in case you do. When the zombie's right by you, you have one shot to save your life with. If you see the zombie but it doesn't notice you, prepare to shoot just in case it does notice you.
Eventually, you will return home. As soon as you enter, check the house for zombies and infected survivors. Hopefully, there will be none of either, but it's always worth checking. If a room's door is closed, knock on the door. This will alert zombies and anyone hiding in there, so you will be prepared.

With this knowledge, you should be well-prepared for a zombie outbreak. Just in case you're wondering, here are some things you absolutely should NOT do:

DO NOT be a hero - your efforts might be appreciated, but you're putting yourself at a disadvantage.
DO NOT wear loose clothing or have long hair - these can be grabbed quite easily by zombies.
DO NOT try to un-zombify your loved ones - there is no cure for a zombie bite and no way of turning a zombie back to a living human being.
DO NOT take pity on a zombified loved one - they are not the person you love any more. They are a dead body being used by a virus.
DO NOT use fire or fists against zombies - zombies don't feel or even acknowledge pain.
DO NOT try to defeat a zombie in any way other than severing the head or destroying the brain - other ways of "defeating" a zombie do nothing to them and could put you in a worse situation.
DO NOT engage in close combat with a zombie unless you have an axe or sword - you're at risk of being bitten.
DO NOT use wooden weapons - these are not very durable.
DO NOT use heavy weapons - these are hard to handle.
DO NOT use short-ranged weapons - see point about close combat.
DO NOT expect your pet to be any help. Dogs are the worst pets in a zombie outbreak. Unlike humans, they will not hide their fear and the best they'll do is continuously bark, thus attracting the attention of zombies. At worst, they'll bite a zombie and, in a blind panic, bite you as well. This is the same as being infected by a zombie.

This should cover everything you need to know about surviving a zombie outbreak. One last thing: if you happen to live in a small town or village, you're lucky - fewer people means fewer zombies, so the outbreak will be dealt with sooner, hopefully before you have to make a journey out of sanctuary.

Biology practice papers for the LOLs!

2008-02-29T08:05:00.001-08:00

Today, we had to do a biology practise paper. Because it didn't count towards anything for the GCSE, me and Spartacus decided to write some insanely random answers down. Here are some of mine:

Name one pollutant that is harmful to lichens. Cheeseburgers!
Suggest why this area has fewer lichens. Terrorism!
Why did he use 20 seedlings instead of one? Seedlings like to get together, if you know what I mean.
At what temperature did the seedlings grow best? Lion!
Describe the stages of protein synthesis. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they decide that (out of time).

No, I didn't run out of time. I just put that in there.

I lied - this isn't my English homework

2008-02-14T08:55:00.001-08:00

Instead, I'm going to tell you now that I am f***ing awesome at basketball! Not only did I play well defensively, putting off the other players, but I managed to score a basket in the last game of the PE lesson.

The next post in this blog will be my English homework

2008-02-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

As absurd as that sounds, it's true. This is because my English homework is a monologue that is currently halfway through and more than 2 pages of A4 paper long. And no, the font isn't supersized.

Bring back the word plonker!

2008-01-15T07:53:00.000-08:00

We really need to use the word 'plonker' much more in everyday conversation. It's such a great word! Not only does it have a great sound to it, but it can be used to describe any form of idiocy.
You forgot to do your homework? You plonker!
He hit his own fake pickup! What a plonker!
And loads more possibilities. Forget these other words to describe idiocy, such as 'idiot', 'moron', 'retard', and 'prat' - Plonker for the win!

Sorry I haven't posted - I've been too busy taking over the school.

2007-12-29T08:21:00.000-08:00

One of the presents I got for Christmas was a game called School Tycoon, in which players create and manage their own school. I've so far managed to build one with a go-kart track, pizza hut and torture chamber among other things.
Oh, and I also got loads of other stuff for Christmas, but I don't want to talk about it right now - I'm off to build a roller coaster at the school!

Fight the rapping dragon for the relic of no signifi - beep beep!

2007-12-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

Before I say anything else, I'd like to point out that I don't play World of Warcraft.
Last night, I had this really strange dream in which I was in this dilapidated town in some other world, then I asked someone why it was and they said it was something to do with a golden relic, which they asked me to go and get because, for some reason, I had a sword. I didn't have much choice, so I went on a journey through this forest to find it. I walked into a cave and saw the dead body of a dwarf and a piece of parchment by his foot. I read the parchment and it warned me to beware of something, but I didn't find out what because I heard this roar from beside me. I looked around and I saw this dragon roaring in my face, then it burst into rap and I thought 'what the hell?' then I pulled out my sword and my alarm clock went off.
Weird, huh?

I'm too happy to care

2007-11-26T01:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I have Latin (a boring lesson), Physics (for which I forgot to save the information I need to do my homework onto my USB drive), Maths (again, incredibly boring) and French (even more boring than Latin and Maths), and to top it all off, I'll probably get my ass handed to me at Mario Kart yet again.
But, frankly, I couldn't give a toss about all that - and it's all because of yesterday, when my girlfriend, whom I haven't spoken to in ages, phones up my home phone, gives me her mobile phone number (and I give her mine in return), sends a picture of herself to my mobile phone and announces that she'll be visiting me this Saturday! I'm so happy now!

My chances of surviving a zombie apocolypse.

2007-11-16T08:35:00.001-08:00

35%

Dallas Dating

I care too much about my loved ones, but strangers I don't give a shit about.
I have no firearm access, but there are 10 swords in my house - real ones - so I won't be short of a weapon.

An Eventful Day?

2007-11-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

I have been playing Mario Kart DS for a while now, and a few months ago I completed all the missions with rankings of * or higher. Since last week, I have been trying to complete all of them with rankings of ***, the highest possible ranking. Today, I achieved that goal - and I didn't even need a cheat code!
After I got picked up from school, my mum and I went to Asda because we were out of potatoey stuff. As we were packing the shopping away, I was greeted by my latin teacher! Now that's a rare thing to happen.
But the biggest event has yet to happen - tune in to ITV1 on 12th November and you should catch the first episode of the coming series of I'm a Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here! I'm looking forward to it.
Finally, I have a special message from a Mr. T:

I pity the fool who don't listen to Queen music!

Phoenix Madness

2007-10-31T09:27:00.001-07:00

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/401514
The worst ever defence lawyer.

Kemal and the anonymus spammer will stop being faggots NOW!

2007-10-31T09:05:00.001-07:00

It has been a while since I checked my blog comments and I have found a couple of spammers. I am now going through my posts, removing all spam comments.
I have now switched comment moderation on, so I will not accept any more spam comments from anyone.

And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain ...

2007-10-28T10:36:00.001-07:00

Yes, sadly, I'm going back to school tomorrow, and boy am I going to have a lot of work to do! I now have coursework in English, Maths, ICT and Music, not to mention the homework I will be getting in other subjects such as Physics and Biology.
As a result, any flash I plan on making will take longer to make than anticipated, but I still hope to get Pokebusters done before Christmas.

When Pong gets personal ...

2007-10-22T12:29:00.001-07:00

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/54237

When I need my pen drive the most, it gives up on me!

2007-10-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

With some homework due in tomorrow (which had to be word-processed), I knew I'd have to print it off at school because my printer at home is broken. So I plug in my pen drive and set about doing the homework, then it says 'One or more of your USB devices was not recognized.' Well that's a bloody pain in the arse! Now I'm going to have to explain to my teacher that I don't have the homework because both my printer and my pen drive have given up on me!

Sparta: The Musical - Coming soon to a school near you

2007-10-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

Today in music, we had to help set up the instruments, tables and chairs for the Year 7 Concert (which is most likely tonight). When we had to go get some more tables, two pupils (not me) stayed behind. When I returned to get another table, I discovered that these two pupils had turned on all the stereos and had them playing different CDs, so you've got Beethoven coming out of one classroom and Monster Mash coming out of another and James Bond music out of yet another!

Sparty owned me at MarioKart DS - like a noob!

2007-10-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Here's the story: me, Sparty and 3 others were playing multiplayer MarioKart DS. On Cheep Cheep Beach, I was winning for most of the race, until about 3/4 of the way through the final lap, when I got hit by a spiny shell, Sparty whizzed past me and dropped a bob-omb right beside the blue explosion, so as soon as I could move, it exploded. I finished 2nd only to Sparty.
He claims it was ownage - really, it was noobish ownage, very similar to being killed on something like Gears of War as soon as you respawn.

My teachers cannot read or spell or even write numbers correctly!

2007-10-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

I kid ye not, my music, maths and physics teachers have all made simple screw-ups today. My music teacher cannot spell Caribbean. If he spelt it 'carribean' or even 'caribean', there might be room to forgive, but he spelt it 'carabeean'! I'm sorry, that is just stupid!
Then my physics teacher told us to do some questions from page 262 of our textbooks - a page that doesn't even exist! Turns out we had to do those questions from page 162.
Worst of all, though, is the maths teacher, who told us to do some questions from exercise 4L of the textbooks. The questions were on a topic we had not covered, so we couldn't work on them. He then said after 5 minutes that we should be halfway through the questions! Uh, no, we don't even know what the hell the questions are about! Then he realised his error - it was exercise 4I we needed to do!
You know what I put these mishaps down to, though? Old age. So it's worrying that I have biology tomorrow and my biology teacher is of retirement age. I dread to think how many cock-ups he's going to make.

My girlfriend skived off school just to see me!

2007-10-01T07:44:00.000-07:00

I was told today by my mum that, while I was at school, my girlfriend payed a visit to my house! The door was answered by my stepdad, who told her that I was at school. What he didn't tell her is my new mobile phone number (because she still has the number for the piss-soaked phone), so I'm going to have to give her my new number ASAP.

Of Macbeth, phones and (literally) being pissed off

2007-09-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

Today was a fun day, since we had this actor come to school to perform a short version of Macbeth (with our help). It was kind of funny when, during the Birnam Wood moving scene, me and Spartacus were the only ones joining in as trees, even when the actor asked the entire front row to join in.
Then later on that day, we had a stage fighting workshop with the same guy. We practised stage fighting to some of the Macbeth lines and even interpreted the three apparitions in our own radical ways. It was fun.
So it was a fun day until I needed to go have a poo. I checked my phone for texts and accidentally dropped it into a piss-filled toilet. I rescued the phone (no prizes for guessing how), but it'll never work again. :(
On the plus side, I'm going to get a better phone tomorrow! :)

I can skive off school for the rest of the year and still get my dream job!

2007-09-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

This may sound like a load of bullshit, or you may think my dream job is bin man or McDonalds, but no. My dream job is a computer game designer/programmer and the only qualification I need for some jobs is a GCSE Maths grade C. What's more important is a portfolio - I have to make games and get them published to build up a portfolio which I can then present when I apply for the job.
So, in short, secondary school for me is a total waste of time. Annoyingly, it took me 4 years to figure that out.

While my internet's still working ...

2007-09-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/185817 Harry Potter Chatroom 1
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/252707 Harry Potter Chatroom 2

Another insanely random story by Sparty and me

2007-09-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in the random jungle there was this guy called Edd. Edd fell out of bed and landed on his balls. Pokeballs, that is. Each contained a pokemon, predictably. One was a Magikarp and the other was a Ditto. He also had a Charizard, but he left it at home with his mum. Some random stuff happens, none of which is pertinent to the story. As a result, we have wasted 42 seconds of your life.
In the third chapter of this story, Edd gets in trouble. He decided to send out Magikarp to hopefully defeat the approaching evil Kyogre that was about to bite Dave's willy off. Dave was a bit sick of having his willy bitten off all the time, so he got a sex change and changed his name to Jean.
What has this got to do with Edd? Edd was also using Dave (now Jean) as a human shield. Magikarp decided to fight Kyogre. As it turns out, Kyogre was actually Jean's Ditto in disguise. Edd sent out a nuke to blow up everyone and everything except your mum, who was really a man, but not any ordinary man. She (or he) was Kyogre in disguise, so it's a real shame the nuke was a dud.
"Never fear for Magikarp is here!"
All of a sudden, Edd's mobile rings and he answers it.
"Hello? I'm in the middle of something. Ashley!? What the hell is one of those?"
"Your mum."
"But my mum's a Kyogre!"
"Not any more. Steelix killed it."
"Well I prefer my Kyogre mum to this Ashley freak. Whatever it is, it can suck on my pokeballs, and so can Team Rocket! Has anyone else noticed this story is really stupid?" Loads of hands go up.
In all the mobile phone chaos, Magikarp got fried by Jean's frying pan. "Bloody hell, it's hot in here!" he said and those were his last words.
"Magikarp, you can still live! Just use hyper beam! What do you mean you don't have hyper beam? You do now!" Edd threw some cocaine at Magikarp.
Suddenly, an almighty stream of poo started flowing out of Magikarp's bum along with a hell of a lot of gas, which propelled Magikarp into Jean's face. Jean pulled out another pokeball with a Charizard in it. Charizard used flamethrower, set the Magikarp gas alight and killed everyone in the process.
The end.

I'm off to the Isle of Wight, see ya!

2007-08-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

As a result, I won't be around on here for a few days.
Thought you might want to know.

SPLASH ATTACK NOW!

2007-08-02T11:11:00.001-07:00

If you've been using Newgrounds for quite a while now, you'll already have seen this. For those who haven't, here's the link:
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/377178

People queueing overnight for the new HP book? How stupid!

2007-07-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

People were queueing up last night outside of book shops so they could get their hands on the very first copies of the new Harry Potter book ASAP. This is stupid because my mum pre-ordered a copy for me so that I would receive my copy when the postman came this morning. Hassle-free and still the same result as queueing outside book shops.

So why do people queue outside book shops overnight just for the new HP book when they could have pre-ordered copies online?
Because people are idiots.

FREEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!

2007-07-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

At long last, after over 10 months of working our asses off for our GCSEs, school has terminated for more than a month. During this time, I will be visiting Alton Towers and the Isle of Wight. I will also be seeing the long-awaited Simpsons movie and making movies of my own. Stay tuned.

To see my movies, go to http://www.newgrounds.com/ and do an author search for mariobro42.

Friday the 13th really is unlucky

2007-07-14T02:31:00.000-07:00

First I get into school and I realise that I've brought in the wrong bag. This is an easy mistake to make as both bags are the same except one has holes in, so I don't use it. Because of this, I had none of the stuff I needed for that day.
Then we had music and we were to compose tangos on the computers. My computer kept on doing strange things to the tango and I had to play my piece to the class.
Finally, I got home and went on to the Internet, only to discover my wireless adapter is playing up again! It wasn't until I did a system restore today that I have been able to access the Internet.

Lyrics to Ashley's theme

2007-07-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

Following on from my previous post, here are the lyrics to Ashley's theme:

Who's the girl next door living in the haunted mansion?
You'd better learn my name 'cos I am ASHLEY!
She calls the darkest spells and brews the meanest potions.
You might be the ingredient I seek.

Don't let yourself be fooled by her innocent demeanour.
You should be afraid of the great ASHLEY!
She doesn't play with dolls and she never combs her hair.
Who has time for girly things like that?

Eye of newt
I cast a hex on you.
Grandma's wig
This will make you big.
Kitten spit
Soon, your pants will fit.
Pantalones giganticus!

Oh no, not again...

She can rule the world and still finish all her homework.
Everyone knows that I'm the greatest: ASHLEY!
You'd better watch your step, or she'll cast a spell on you.
I turned my teacher into a spoon.

I'm equipped to my spell book, and yes, it's true.
I don't have as many friends as you.
But I think you're nice, and maybe we could be buds.
And if you say no, you're toast.

Who's the girl next door living in the haunted mansion?
You'd better learn my name 'cause I am ASHLEY!
Just remember this when you see her on the street:
I'm the cruellest girl you'll ever meet.

Google has failed me

2007-07-09T03:23:00.000-07:00

I am currently trying to make a music video based on Ashley's theme (that's Ashley from Warioware) and there are many images I need to find to make this music video. When I search for images of Ashley, I get 2 useful results out of 782. This is pretty poor.
Then I search for a cartoony picture of a haunted mansion and get 0 useful results. I can now safely say that Google has failed me.

Spartacus, please do not complain about me making a music video about Ashley.

All our kebabs are made from lamb

2007-07-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

My friend told me today that he was in a kebab restaurant and it said that all their kebabs were made from 100% pure lamb. The menu reads 'doner kebab', 'shish kebab' 'CHICKEN KEBAB'! A chicken kebab made from 100% pure lamb? How the hell does that work? Maybe they just invented chicken-flavour lamb!

Stupid laptops ... they should be shot!

2007-07-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Today in Biology we were using the laptops in the room to do some research into cloning and type up a report of our findings (or some other crap like that). The laptop I was using served me well until it came to the typing up - Microsoft Word wasn't on the laptop! Fortunately, Notepad was, but I still couldn't save anything into My Documents because it couldn't find the folder! So I thought 'Screw this, I'm getting a different laptop.' and I got one that wouldn't even let me log in! I then tried another laptop - same problem, wouldn't let me log in. In the end, I gave up and did nothing for the rest of the lesson (which was about 15 minutes). How unlucky do you get?

Insanely random story 'Go Magikarp' by me and Sparty

2007-06-25T08:49:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time in Teletubbyland (I can't believe I'm saying this in a blog!) there lived a random guy called John. He had a Magikarp stuck up his bum (Magikarp = stupid fish pokémon that only knows how to splash). He said to his mate Dave "You do canters whilst riding the evil rodeo bull of death. I commit seppuku sexually." (Seppuku = stabbing oneself in the guts.)
"Sorry," said Dave, "but I'm under my doctor's prescription thingy not to do any more rodeo."
John shot Dave's doctor. John then took over as doctor and stopped Harold Saxon from stealing the Tardis using the power of the Magikarp wedged in his bum.
"Oh ****." said Harold. "I hate my mother for giving me some poncy, stuck-up name like Harold. I mean, get a life, woman!" This is just the start of an angry fit that caused Harold's brain to explode in a really big mess.
Write on the lines, would you, Mario? I'll have to start calling you Dorothy.
I did write on the lines! And I'm not Dorothy!
What has this got to do with our story?
What has your complaint about writing on the lines got to do with the story?
John had a girlfried who we can assume was a woman scorned, which fury hell hath no.
A girlfried? John had a girl fried?
Yes. No wonder hell hath no fury like her! Duh! And she was hot.
Dave later went back to see his doctor and found him dead. "John, what happened to my doctor?" Dave asked.
"I fried her, she was my girlfried." John replied.
(I know, it's making absolutely no sense whatsoever, but trust me it gets weirder.)
Suddenly the Magikarp escaped from John's bum with half of its body covered in poo. "You're a gay." said the Magikarp.
"Obviously not," replied John, "if I ate Dave's doctor."
"How does eating a doctor make you straight?"
"It just does, OK?"
"No it bloody well isn't! You should be punished!" Magikarp used splash. Nothing happened. Magikarp splashed even harder. In doing so, he shook all the poo on his body onto John's face. John wiped his face on Dave's willy.
"See, I knew you were gay!" Magikarp said.
"Nope." John said. "See, Dave is actually a woman."
"Hang on!" said Dave. "Why do I have a willy?"
"Umm ..." said John, "... can I get back to you on that?"
"No!" the authors shouted in unison. "This is our story and it happens now, OK?"
"Aha!" John shouted randomly. "Dave's willy is a fake!"
"Is it?" our readers asked. "Pull it off then, Dave."
"Actually, I'm rather attached to it." said Dave.
John still proved that Dave's willy was a fake. He showed Dave a picture of Jessica Simpson wearing no clothes. Dave's willy remained floppy. John then showed Dave a picture of Dead Metal (from Robot Wars). Dave's willy turned hard and stuck out.
"That proves nothing!" said the Magikarp.
"Screw you, Magikarp!" shouted John. John then gave Magikarp to a local fish and chips shop. Magikarp evolved into Gyrados and caused havoc. The owners of the chippy shot John and put him in the sausages with his girlfried (aka, Dave's doctor). The evolved Magikarp bit Dave's willy off and Sparty obtained a licence to turn Magikarp back into Magikarp. Magikarp turned back into Magikarp, but Dave's willy was still in his mouth, until it flew out and re-attached itself to Dave.
Suddenly this smelly girl called Jean approached Dave. "Hi, Jean." he said. Jean bit Dave's willy off again. "That's Magikarp's job!" said Dave.
Then Teletubbyland 'mysteriously' exploded and they all died happily ever after.
The end.

The most insane story ever to be conjured up during a lesson for which no work is set.

Lightning without thunder? How odd.

2007-06-21T09:27:00.001-07:00

A few nights ago I was having trouble getting to sleep and I saw a lightning-like flash. As a thunder storm had raged earlier I assumed that this was lightning and awaited the thunder sound. I never heard it. Therefore, I am convinced that something else was making that flash. But what? What flashes like lightning without making any sounds?

Avoid awkward situations at all costs

2007-06-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

Today I have an awkward situation - I told my music teacher that I would be able to perform a piece in a concert which happens tomorrow, but my mum didn't know about this until today either and, after a lengthy discussion on the car journey home, she is not allowing me to perform in the concert. You might think this is unfair, but it really isn't, because it is partly my fault for keeping her in the dark about it. I had been mulling over the decision since Friday but not said anything.
The only possible solution now is to tell my music teacher tomorrow that I won't be able to perform in the concert after all, which isn't entirely a bad thing. For a start, the awkward situation will be at an end.
Trust me, if you think that by making a particular decision you're going to end up in a really awkward situation, pick the other choice and play it safe.

Spartacus, I'm not a @!*?ing skiver!

2007-06-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and last Sunday, I was ill with a severe cold. Today, despite still feeling quite ill, I went into school and the first word my friend Spartacus said to me was 'skiver'. All because two pieces of coursework were due in yesterday and I wasn't in school to hand them in. It may seem an odd coincidence, but that's exactly what it is - a coincidence!
To be truthful, I initially had a sore throat on Thursday and I ignored it. My throat was still sore on Friday and I ignored it. By the beginning of Saturday, which is when my nan's 60th birthday party was (and those birds I told you about were actually the feathered variety in Bill Oddie's heaven), my throat was worse than normal. By the end of Saturday, I had a cold for certain. On both Sunday and yesterday, I felt really ill and didn't do much.
There you go, Spartacus. That's my testimony. If you don't want to believe that, if you'd prefer to live in a world of lies, go ahead. You'll regret your doubtful attitude one day. (At this point, I start laughing manically.)

Society sucks because it's human

2007-06-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

After playing some flash games from a collection called 'The Negotiator' I learned a lot about how various human beings react to hearing certain things said to them. It seems the approach I would normally take is a naive one, so I am going to post this now and say no more.

Warning - I am infected!

2007-06-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

Today not much will happen as I am ridden with a nasty cold. Instead, I shall briefly outline yesterday's visit to a place called Bentley, where I spent a lot of time eyeing up all the birds, watching a pole dancer and even pulling! Sounds great, doesn't it? And it would have been if I hadn't fallen ill.

Nice easy logic puzzle

2007-06-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

A man and his son are involved in a car accident and both are rushed to hospital immediately. Upon seeing the boy the surgeon cries "Oh no, that's my son!" How is this possible?

So tired ... so very tired

2007-06-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

The difference between having 9 hours of sleep and 10 hours of sleep is very noticeable.
After having 10 hours of sleep and being awoken by my alarm clock, I feel ready for the day. No matter what's in store for me that day, I approach the day with 3 words: Bring it on.
On the contrary, missing out on an hour of sleep left me feeling somewhat tired this morning and I didn't really feel like doing anything. And lunch didn't make up for the lost energy, as once the school day was over I felt like my entire life force was sinking into the ground. It didn't help that I was dragged shopping right after school, so no time to relax. Worst of all, I have a ton of homework still to do. Luckily, I've done everything that needs to be handed in tomorrow, so now I can finally earn my R&R.
After I click 'publish post' I will fall asleep right where I am.

Home-made explosives

2007-06-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone over 5 has seen an explosion somewhere in their lifetime. If you watch Brainiac: Science Abuse, you'll have seen many explosions. However, most of those explosions include a special chemical or compound that isn't easy to get hold of. So what is the best home-made explosive?
Whilst on the subject of Brainiac, the current series is presented by Vic Reeves (who, in my opinion, isn't anywhere near as good as Richard Hammond) and each show has a part where some objects are shoved into a microwave and the whole thing goes KABOOM! Previously, somewhat everyday objects were put into the microwave and caused the KABOOM! Now, some random food items are put into the microwave, but the thing that causes the KABOOM is one of the explosive compounds that not many people have in their own homes. That is really what put this thought into my mind.

It's-a me, Mario

2007-06-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hello. I'm new to this and was introduced by my friend Spartacus. I used to use another website called Netlog, but I've left behind that moron-filled cesspool because the only things I want to be pissed off about are things in real life. Like policemen.
In 2006, about 40000 police officers were caught speeding. 411 got a ticket. 411! Is that it? I'm sorry, but no policeman is above the law! And the same is true of celebrities - no celebrity is above the law. So when Paris Hilton was sent to jail for driving without permission, I thought 'Finally, celebrities will realise that they're not above the law!' But no, she was released 3 days later because she kept crying and starving herself in jail! Paris, you poofter! If you thought jail was going to be that bad, you shouldn't have been driving without permission! I guarantee, if I was caught driving without permission, I'd be thrown in jail and I'd be in there for more than 3 weeks, probably more than 3 months!
But Paris is a rich celebrity, we can't keep her in jail for long. You know what I say to that? BULLSH!T!